Last week, I was close to being depressed. It’s funny how I don’t really feel ashamed admitting it. I would have never said that a few years back. Anyway. I was depressed because I got a job, a good one at that. But it meant an end to a certain kind of freedom I had but it also meant an end to a possible future (financial) dependence the lack of employment would have eventually brought. Yes, I still have some money left from my savings. Just some.
The morning I was supposed to get ready for the first day of my job was a tough one. The first battle was getting up early in the morning and the second ongoing battle is the challenge of getting used to it.
“I feel like a kid going to school for the first time”, I complained to my best friend and buried my face on the sleeve of his shirt. And I am really not kidding when I said I was close to being depressed. For two days (before the first day of the job), all I felt was a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. I obviously do not remember the first day of school but I remember how difficult it was in the later years for me to go back to my hostel when I was a nine year old kid. Not that I cried, but I complained a lot that I wanted to stay with my parents. I was never ready to go back to a boarding school for a fresh year. So eventually, when I turned 13, my parents moved to a bigger city so that I would not have to stay away from them.
I also remember college, how I did not want to go to college. Not that I ever said that out loud to my parents. But I was not interested. Once I finished college, I was not ready to either study further or take up a job. I just wanted to sit by the sea and read books. So my mom filled out a form for me and well, I took the test and got past the interview and was admitted.
After the post-grad diploma, I was still not keen on taking a job but a brilliant set of friends made sure I dragged my reluctant ass for a campus interview for a very big news channel in the country. I got past that interview too. So I had a job that I was definitely not ready for, neither mentally, nor by capability. But surprisingly I picked up and survived for a long time until I decided I need a break. But by then my parents were already pestering me for marriage. Now that is something I was/am DEFINITELY NOT ready for.
I had saved up money and I decided to do super tight budget trips in my country. And I did. Quitting my last job to travel is one of the wisest thing I ever did. And it was during that time I started this blog too. After a few months, everybody thought it was high time that I either got a job or at least married. Because being unemployed is socially acceptable for women only if they are married. So I even applied to two places. But the fact that I just did not want to work yet was weighing heavy on me and I opted out. And instead enrolled into a Masters course. “She is studying” is still a better response to give to nosy relatives than “she is traveling”. Although much to my parents credit, my mom now just tells people in a direct fashion “she is not ready for marriage”, when someone offers to look for a groom or offers her advice to get me married. I love her for that.
Today I read a brilliant quote shared by a friend on social media –
“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.” – Hugh Laurie
And he is so bloody right! Especially because, come to think of it, I have never been distressed by anything that I did. I surprisingly enjoyed and pretty much loved my first job. I loved boarding school and owe a very precious friend to those years. It is always the IDEA OF DOING SOMETHING that made me fret and thing that I am not ready or good enough or not there yet or whatever it is. But paradoxically, I never take to much time to decide on anything either. Such is life. Full of paradoxes. And we feel like we are never ready for most of it. Yet, most of us do just fine.